Support a Friend Guide
Key tips on how to support a friend through pregnancy loss and/or pregnancy after loss...
Tip 1
Say their baby's name.
Halo Mummas' LOVE hearing their angel baby’s name spoken aloud. By speaking that baby’s name loud and proud, you are reminding that Mumma that her baby is remembered and loved.
Tip 2
Ask them about their baby.
Halo Mumma's are no different to regular mums in that they love to talk about their baby, brag about them, tell the world how cute they were... A gentle way to start these conversations could be:
“I’d love to know more about *name* - did they look like you?”
Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you might upset Mumma if you talk about her baby... I can guarantee she's already thinking about them anyway.
Tip 3
Keep that baby's memory alive.
- Put birthdays/ special dates in your calendar and send that Mumma a message every year.
- When you randomly think about that baby- let Mumma know- eg “There was a beautiful pink sunset tonight, and it made me think of *name*”
- When you go on holiday, write baby’s name in the sand and send a picture to Mumma.
- Always include that baby when talking about the total number of children that Mumma has/ always refer to them the same way you would a living sibling. Eg "*Name* is going to be a big sister!"
Tip 4
DON'T buy them flowers.
This one might seem controversial but hear me out... Flowers are lovely but they’re also messy, they take up a lot of room, and they slowly die. You can almost guarantee she already has several bunches in her home if her loss is publicly known. In my case, having multiple bunches of dying flowers in my house was just a constant reminder of the nightmare I was living.
See our shop for thoughtful Halo Mumma gifts perfect for post loss or during pregnancy after loss.
For even more options, see our gift guide.
Tip 5
Don't constantly ask if they've received "The Results".
Autopsy/ genetic testing/ health related tests etc... The wait for those results is traumatic enough without the added pressure of constant questions. If you do discuss the wait for results... DON’T make suggestions such as “Oh well have you tried calling them?”... trust me when I say she's already tried that.
Something you could say instead is:
“I know you’re waiting on those results which must be so stressful- I’m thinking of you and I’m here for you if or when you ever want to discuss them.”
Tip 6
Don't project your own fears or negative thoughts.
Don’t project unhelpful fears or beliefs such as:
“Do you think it’s related to your other loss?”
“Were you taking the vitamins?”
“Hopefully it’s not genetic.”
... Trust me when I say that Mumma has enough of her own fears to deal with without adding yours on top too.
Tip 7
Let her be sad.
Grief is not a problem to solve.
Being sad is healthy and normal.
It is not a sign that she isn’t coping.
So hold the space: Let her cry, let her be sad, let her feel her grief - because it’s the only way through it.
Tip 8
Be sensitive with pregnancy announcements.
Be aware that pregnancy announcements or talk of others' pregnancies are likely going to be painful for her during this time. If you have to tell her something like that- DON’T just let her see it on social media or surprise her in a public/ social setting.
Text it to her first and acknowledge that this might be really hard for her to hear and that you’re ready to give her whatever time and space she needs to process it.
Tip 9
Don't start any sentences with
"at least..."
Just don't do it.
There is no "at least". There is no silver lining here. Sometimes shit things happen and there doesn't have to be a reason or silver lining to it... It's just shit.
Tip 10
Know what to look out for.
Signs that she is not okay and needs professional mental health support include:
- Suicidal thoughts/ planning/ ideation.
- Unable to return to basic previous roles such as school/work/home duties etc.
- Extreme anxiety or sadness affecting ability to leave the house, do basic things etc.
- Frequent panic attacks.
- Self destructive behavior or substance abuse.
If you notice any of the above or are concerned for a friends mental health please call one of the below support lines for advice:
Lifeline: 13 11 14, Beyondblue 1300 224 636, PANDA HelpLine 1300 726 306.
